But perhaps the most entertaining memories only come in the fall. I’m talking about those bright-eyed and innocent youth that come to us, once a year, f.o.b. (fresh off the boat). That’s right, the freshmen.

Most upperclassmen look down on these newbies, but I don’t. They make me laugh, and that goes a long way with me. I, too, would drink myself into oblivion EVERY night, if I didn’t have to actually pass my classes and graduate. I too would trash my apartment and scoff at the RA’s, if I hadn’t already found out that there are stiff monetary penalties.

Freshmen clearly need some good, practical advice, and while I may not be the person to give it, it’s my column, so here are my four most important words of wisdom.

1. Have you seen that big, beautiful tree across from student life? You know, the one with the concrete bench around it? Sure looks like a good place to sit, right?

Don’t do it. If I had a nickel for every time a pigeon dumped on somebody under that tree, I could pay off my bookie and keep both my big toes. The area beneath that tree is an impact area for pigeon bile. Sit somewhere else!

2. I bet you sure feel sorry for those poor homeless people. You may have already given them some money. Please don’t. They don’t need food; they buy controlled substances with whatever money they have.

There is a place called River of Life a few blocks from here that gives the homeless all the free meals they can eat. (Notice, none of the homeless are skinny. As a matter of fact, some of them are huge.)

3. If two guys--they always come in pairs--in white shirts with a clipboard ask you if you want to take a personality test, run away. (You don’t have to actually throw dirt in their eyes first.) What these guys don’t want to tell you is that they are trying to recruit you into the Church of Scientology.

4. While we’re on the subject of manipulative and intrusive religious groups operating on the mall, beware the Oahu Church of Christ. If anyone invites you to a "Bible Talk," don’t go.

These people seem really nice and sincere, but they may not even tell you it’s a "Bible Talk." They may just invite you and only when you get there admit it’s a religious event.) What they are trying to do is start you on an eight-step process that ends only when you join their church. If you choose not to continue going to their studies, they will call you continuously and hound you until you return.

Be smart, don’t start. Tell them to leave you alone. (If you want more information on this group, go to www.reveal.org.)

5. I lied. I have five words of advice. Don’t have sex in the stairwells of buildings, especially Ala Moana Tower. I wouldn’t be saying this if it hadn’t already happened this semester. If you must get it on, do it in private. And use protection.

There you have it. Words to live by. Now go forth and be fruitful, live long and prosper, and may the Force be with you.