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ALCOHOL WARNING

by David J. Raymond, opinion editor emeritus

Beer is a popular beverage, but students might consider the following reasons for moderation. Consumption of alcohol may have the following effects:

May make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Is a major factor in making one dance like a wanker.

May cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to BASH YOUR HEAD IN!

May cause you to thay shings like thish.

May lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying to hear you yelling beneath their windows are four in the morning.

May leave you wondering where the hell your trousers are.

May give you the impression that you can carry on a logical conversation with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

May result in you waking up in bed with an unknown person of dubious appearance, indeterminate gender, or species.

May be the leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

May result in traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

May lead you to believe that you are invisible.

May give you the illusion that you have mystical Kung-Fu powers.

May give you the belief that you are smarter, faster and (thanks to your mystical Kung-Fu powers) tougher than some really big guy nicknamed Grizzly.

May give you the impression that people are really laughing WITH you.

May create a rupture in the space-time continuum, thereby causing small (sometimes large) gaps of time to seemingly vanish.

May actually CAUSE pregnancy.

 

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