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Kalamalama Home
Smart people in a dumb world
by David J. Raymond, Opinion editor emeritus

How to impress a pacifist that force can be needed
1) Approach the pacifist shouting that there should be “no retaliation.” Engage in conversation; ask if military force is appropriate. When he says “No,” ask, “why not?”
2) Wait until he answers to the effect that, “Because military force would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful; we should not cause more violence.”
3) When he’s in mid-sentence, punch him in the stomach as hard as you can. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be contrary to his values to strike you, that it would “be awful,” and that he “should not cause more violence.”
4) Wait until he agrees and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
5) Punch him again, harder this time. Repeat steps 3 through 5 until he understands that sometimes it’s necessary to punch back.

IQ test
AT&T fired its President, John Walter, after he had served only nine months. Their reason: he did not provide intelligent leadership.
Walker received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it was not he who lacked intelligence.

With a little help from our friends
Police in Oakland, Calif. spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers discovered the man standing beside them in the police line shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

The American way of war
The U.S. Air Force’s new weapon to root out Tailban supporters hiding in caves is a bomb specially designed to penetrate several feet of rock and earth before exploding. One side-effect of this weapon is that it creates a new cave.

What was plan “b”?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. At each, the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

The getaway!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money, or I’ll shoot,” the suspect shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Are we communicating?
The man on the phone spoke frantically: “My wife is pregnant. Her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

Not the sharpest tool in the shed!
In Modesto, Calif. Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Grand finale!
Last summer, on Lake Isabella in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, Calif. some folks new to boating couldn’t get their brand new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t speed up at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outboard drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. Finally, a marina worker jumped into the water to check underneath. The employee resurfaced choking on water because he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

 

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