Steven Seagal: “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

Jeff Foxworthy: “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”

Robin Williams: “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p-e-n-i-s, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” 

Dave Barry: “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” 

Marilyn Pittman: “What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?”

Paula Poundstone: “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out to the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”

Conan O’Brien: “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Huh?”  

Lynda Montgomery: “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my goodness. I could be eating a slow learner.”

Roseanne: “The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.”

Richard Jeni: “I think that’s how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”

Jerry Seinfeld: “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60, and that’s the law.”

Oscar Wilde: “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.  Monogamy is the same.” 

Robin Williams: “Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

Dave Barry: “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” 

Author Unknown: “When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.”

Author Unknown: “Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

Drew Carey: “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”