Being that this is my fourth year of college, I’ve become
quite good at living off the fat of the land—finding
free food, and taking advantage of it. Here are some ideas
for others in this situation.
Check your local newspapers for class and family reunions,
and the odd bar mitzvah. When it comes to pretending to be
someone you’re not, you may feel a twinge of remorse,
but if you want access to all that free food, put your conscience
out of mind. Remember the words of the famed mathematician
Charles Darwin, who once said E=MC2 proves only those with
full bellies survive. (See what education can do for you?)
Class reunions are really easy to infiltrate. Think back to
your high school years, only a few years ago for some of you.
If it was more than a decade ago, you’ll have an easy
time. Still, it’s always easier to look older than it
is to look younger! Use this to your advantage, and you should
have no problem fitting in with a five or 10-year reunion.
Be sure to dress the part. Suggested outfits include corduroy
pants, a plaid button-up shirt, and a pocket protector. To
keep at a distance anyone who might be too interested in you,
don’t shower for a few days before the event.
Family reunions can be trickier. I suggest first scoping the
food table to see if it is worth the effort. If it is, here’s
a technique that has worked well for me in the past: pose as
Maryanne’s new boyfriend/girlfriend. Remember, every
family has a Maryanne, and if they don’t, then their
food probably isn’t worth eating anyway.
After being accepted as the new love interest, try to keep
the conversation to a minimum. This can be achieved in many
ways, including the classic “Nose Picker” routine,
or the ever-popular “Wedgie Picker” maneuver.
If these old standbys fail you, and you are actually forced
to hold a conversation, pretend to be hard of hearing. When
the family members start raising their voices, give them a
stern look and tell them there’s no need for shouting,
and walk away.
One final bit of family reunion advice – you can’t
talk if you’re eating! So get to that food table as quickly
So what happens when you meet Maryanne? That, my friends, is
not a situation you wish to encounter. Especially if Maryanne
is a big-boned rugby captain with an oddly sloped brow. You’ll
want to watch out for the stiff right hook. Believe me. I know.
A word to the wise: impersonators should steer clear of the
free alcohol! (Gasp!) Did I really just say that? Yes, reader,
I most certainly did.
While this goes against every proud tradition and logical thought,
I must ask you to abide by this rule. As you are already struggling
to impersonate a classmate or family member or significant
other, you do NOT need to add alcohol to the mix. If, all of
a sudden, you start slipping and saying things about Maryanne’s
ancestry or the high school football captain’s GPA, then
it’s either a beating you won’t soon forget, or
a short ride to the pokey. This country’s judicial system
frowns upon impersonation, even when survival is at stake.
I hope that this, in a small way, assists you through the month(s)
until you receive your refund checks. If impersonation isn’t
your thing, try the HPU Food Bank. It’s confidential.
Just call the University chaplain: 544-9394.
And remember that while the few weeks waiting for your check
may be bleak, the thousands of dollars coming your way will
buy one heck of a party!
I expect to be invited!