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Out of Focus:

Election scandal rocks local businesses

by Chris Veith

 

Honolulu, Hawai‘i – Recent reports that Senator John Kerry doesn’t floss his teeth at night may seem like too much campaign mudslinging to the average American. But to small business owners, like Ned and Sally Jo Gormand, these seemingly trivial details are major factors when deciding who to vote for.

 

Ned and Sally Jo run a dated floss production company, and since the revelation that Senator Kerry’s floss record is even worse than his record in the senate, they’ve seen sales drop. “Kids these days, they’re so impressionable. They see their hero, John Kerry, with plaque on his teeth, and they want to have plaque too. It’s the new ‘Bling-Bling’” laments Sally Jo.

The Gormands aren’t alone. Dozens and dozens of people are swayed by seemingly minor details about the senator’s life. For instance, he was once quoted as saying that “Sub sandwiches aren’t REAL fast food.”

Submarine shops and sandwich joint franchise owners across the nation have since formed a powerful pro-sub coalition to oppose Kerry’s anti-sub policies. While the numbers aren’t in yet, it’s estimated that more than 13 six-foot long party subs were consumed at their last convention. There’s no word on the number of cola products guzzled.

Submarine shop owner Jon Sueur declared his restaurant a “Hostile Zone,” and went so far as to refuse coupons from anyone who looked remotely like John Kerry. “This is a time of great unrest in the sub world,” Sueur shouted to passersby, “And we will not go quietly!” His heart-felt pleas were cut short however, by a scrap of tinfoil accidentally placed into a microwave with a sub.

Sueur’s microwaves weren’t the only things throwing sparks over Senator Kerry. Local console-gaming enthusiast Gabe Mullins claimed that Senator Kerry attempted to “finish” George W. Bush during the first round of presidential debates.

“ It was totally like, right there for everyone to see, man. I watched that senator dude tap his lectern in the EXACT pattern for Sub-Zero’s fatality, man. It was, like, right out of Mortal Combat.” Mortal Combat, a popular fighting game from the mid-‘90s, allowed gamers to tap buttons in a pattern to inflict violent and bloody wounds on one another. Fortunately, Senator Kerry’s controller must have been defective, Mullins added.

Whether or not Senator Kerry was trying to “finish” his opponent, or to squish an annoying insect on his lectern, the news is grim for John Kerry. At least 17 people have been swayed from the senator’s side, to vote for Bush. It’s hard to argue with numbers like these, and Senator Kerry’s people are surely scrambling to recover.

 


 

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