Ned and Sally Jo run a dated floss production
company, and since the revelation that Senator Kerry’s
floss record is even worse than his record in the senate, they’ve
seen sales drop. “Kids these days, they’re so impressionable.
They see their hero, John Kerry, with plaque on his teeth,
and they want to have plaque too. It’s the new ‘Bling-Bling’” laments
The Gormands aren’t alone. Dozens and dozens of people
are swayed by seemingly minor details about the senator’s
life. For instance, he was once quoted as saying that “Sub
sandwiches aren’t REAL fast food.”
Submarine shops and sandwich joint franchise owners across
the nation have since formed a powerful pro-sub coalition
Kerry’s anti-sub policies. While the numbers aren’t
in yet, it’s estimated that more than 13 six-foot long
party subs were consumed at their last convention. There’s
no word on the number of cola products guzzled.
Submarine shop owner Jon Sueur declared his restaurant a “Hostile
Zone,” and went so far as to refuse coupons from anyone
who looked remotely like John Kerry. “This is a time of
great unrest in the sub world,” Sueur shouted to passersby, “And
we will not go quietly!” His heart-felt pleas were cut
short however, by a scrap of tinfoil accidentally placed into
a microwave with a sub.
Sueur’s microwaves weren’t the only things throwing
sparks over Senator Kerry. Local console-gaming enthusiast Gabe
Mullins claimed that Senator Kerry attempted to “finish” George
W. Bush during the first round of presidential debates.
It was totally like, right there for everyone to see, man. I
watched that senator dude tap his lectern in the EXACT pattern
for Sub-Zero’s fatality, man. It was, like, right out of
Mortal Combat.” Mortal Combat, a popular fighting game
from the mid-‘90s, allowed gamers to tap buttons in a pattern
to inflict violent and bloody wounds on one another. Fortunately,
Senator Kerry’s controller must have been defective, Mullins
Whether or not Senator Kerry was trying to “finish” his
opponent, or to squish an annoying insect on his lectern, the
news is grim for John Kerry. At least 17 people have been swayed
from the senator’s side, to vote for Bush. It’s hard
to argue with numbers like these, and Senator Kerry’s people
are surely scrambling to recover.