Around the Thanksgiving weekend, you may start
seeing your energy bill go up, as you install thin plastic
strings of tiny little lights connected by surging electrons.
Let me tell you something about electrons. They don’t
like you. No sir, in fact, given a puddle of water, a shorted
wire, and a pastrami sandwich (optional), they might introduce
you to electrocution. Make sure you check your wires for any
nicks, cuts, scrapes, or bruises before plugging them in.
Along with Christmas lights come the inevitable freak ladder
accidents. Listen, it’s simple. Ladders should never be
climbed by you. Get that stupid neighbor, the one who lets his
dog do what dogs do on your lawn, to help you. Pretend that you
threw your back out, and ask for some assistance. IF you REALLY
don’t like him, let him check your wires for nicks and
cuts while he staples them to your roof, if you catch my meaning.
Lawsuits are a large issue these days, and fortunately for
you, you own your property, so screw everyone else, right?
So grab that life-sized 15,000 watt North Pole Work Shop lawn
decoration and plug ‘er in. Since this is an article about
survival, bring your sunglasses. Staring at the sun is bad, but
it’s like light years away. Santa’s workshop is in
your front yard! Tell your energy conscious neighbors to unplug
their night lights, ‘cause they won’t be needing
Now you’d better look into aviation safety. Aviation safety?
Why, you ask? Well, at this point you have the single largest
set of lights in North America in your front yard, so you better
be ready to refuel and service 747s.
Once the outside of your home is finished, turn to the inside.
Many of you insist on real trees, citing the scent and new life
that it brings to your house in the form of deer ticks, spiders,
and centipedes. If this is the case in your house, remember that
Raid is flammable and should not be used in combination with
Speaking of eggnog, watch out for blenders. If the ice just
mixing with the rest of the drink, do not, I repeat do NOT, just
shove your hands into the running blender. Remember, bacteria
are the cause of many diseases, so wash your hands first.
Have a happy and safe holiday season, and remember – holidays
come and go, but scars last a lifetime.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!