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Out of Focus:

Holiday Survival Tips

by Chris Veith

 

If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed that some fairly dangerous activities frequently occur around the holidays. Some seem innocent enough, but they are often far more dangerous than driving a Miller Lite truck past an ACA (Alcoholic Cannibals Anonymous) meeting while doused in Kikkoman. Let’s take a look at some activities that cause more deaths per year than paper cuts, stubbed toes, and manatee attacks combined.

 

Around the Thanksgiving weekend, you may start seeing your energy bill go up, as you install thin plastic strings of tiny little lights connected by surging electrons. Let me tell you something about electrons. They don’t like you. No sir, in fact, given a puddle of water, a shorted wire, and a pastrami sandwich (optional), they might introduce you to electrocution. Make sure you check your wires for any nicks, cuts, scrapes, or bruises before plugging them in.

Along with Christmas lights come the inevitable freak ladder accidents. Listen, it’s simple. Ladders should never be climbed by you. Get that stupid neighbor, the one who lets his dog do what dogs do on your lawn, to help you. Pretend that you threw your back out, and ask for some assistance. IF you REALLY don’t like him, let him check your wires for nicks and cuts while he staples them to your roof, if you catch my meaning.

Lawsuits are a large issue these days, and fortunately for you, you own your property, so screw everyone else, right? Right. So grab that life-sized 15,000 watt North Pole Work Shop lawn decoration and plug ‘er in. Since this is an article about survival, bring your sunglasses. Staring at the sun is bad, but it’s like light years away. Santa’s workshop is in your front yard! Tell your energy conscious neighbors to unplug their night lights, ‘cause they won’t be needing them anymore.

Now you’d better look into aviation safety. Aviation safety? Why, you ask? Well, at this point you have the single largest set of lights in North America in your front yard, so you better be ready to refuel and service 747s.

Once the outside of your home is finished, turn to the inside. Many of you insist on real trees, citing the scent and new life that it brings to your house in the form of deer ticks, spiders, and centipedes. If this is the case in your house, remember that Raid is flammable and should not be used in combination with eggnog.

Speaking of eggnog, watch out for blenders. If the ice just isn’t mixing with the rest of the drink, do not, I repeat do NOT, just shove your hands into the running blender. Remember, bacteria are the cause of many diseases, so wash your hands first.

Have a happy and safe holiday season, and remember – holidays come and go, but scars last a lifetime.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 


 

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